On Valentine’s Day, I plant roses to restore the balance.

Always trust paranoid people to do the right thing. Everyone is watching them. 

When I see a snowman, I see the problems of obesity.

I'll be off the grid for two weeks. By grid, I mean waffles.

I can’t take the name WikiLeaks seriously. It sounds like an ewok wetting his bed.

Falling down once in a while assures me gravity is working just fine. 

If your parents don’t think you’re delusional, then your dreams aren’t big enough.

The inventor of the superglue died at 94. The key to life is holding it together.